another lesson from the hospital....

this week, in addition to working in the antenatal clinic and labor room, my team was also assigned to work in the admission room and postnatal ward. Whoa, there is just so much to learn. Just when I start to think I might have a hang of what I am doing I get a quick reality check. I am just a student. I.am.just.a.student. And while my desire is to just know everything right away, I know that the reality is that midwifery, and any other profession(especially in health care) takes time. I have a deeper respect for those who have dedicated so much time to understanding medicine and anatomy and how and the human body works. (Can I give a shout out to my dear friend, Crystal right now? -you work hard girlfriend and I am so proud of you. seriously)

It's always a little awkward to "report" to a new ward.  I'm often surprised that I don't have holes in my uniform when I leave the hospital. The stares from the people are so intent that at times I am sure they are shooting laser beams from their eyes at me. I maneuver my way through the crowd and walk down a hall into the "Admissions Room." They block the door for everyone else, but let me and another girl in. Maybe because we have a uniform on, but I am still pretty sure its because we are white.

I see a nurse sitting behind a book the size of a small planet. Her uniform is seriously from 1932.  Starch straight and all. I wish I had a picture to share. 

me: "hello sister. I'm reporting for duty. I have one hour." (after this I feel like I should stand up really straight and salute her) I am waiting for her to tell me what in the world she would like me to do.

her response: "ok, ok."

I lingered hoping there would be more to that sentence, but when I saw that she inserted a 'period' at the end, indicating she had said all there was to say, I quickly realized that if I wanted to get any experience in this room I'd have to do it on my own.

I heard the loud shreaks of woman.  "Is someone in labor?" I thought to myself. 

I turned around to see a desk with two doctors and a line of women. The scream was coming from a  doctor who was apparently quite upset with the women standing near her. I recognized the doc right away. She's a post grad, so she's still pretty new on the scene but you'd never know by the way she barked orders at anyone who passed by her. I decided to go sit at the desk with.

 "May I observe?"

I get one head bobble. that means yes. I proceed to sit down.

I watched this loud doctor yell at every pregnant woman who sat down. I wish I could understand what she was saying. I imagine the pregnant woman must be telling her that they just ran over her cat or lost her favorite pairing earrings cause she's just screaming at them with the most hateful look in her eye- like they have offended her on some very personal level. Obviously, this isn't the case. She's just a grouch. I watched her for a few minutes and her yells turned to pushes and shoves and I felt a small surge of anger boiling up inside of me.

I leaned over to the doctor I was sitting with and whispered, "is she having a bad day?" 

I knew she wasn't. This is just the way she always acts- like these woman are HUGE inconvenience to her life and the only way to deal with it is to make their life miserable.

she must have gotten what I meant because every time Dr Grouch raised her voice she would look over and give me a quick grin. 

Since I wasn't really being of much assistance, I got up to take some blood pressures of the woman sitting in line. I guess I was hoping the Grinch would simmer down but her harsh tones only increased. It was just irritating. These woman weren't doing anything wrong. They were just in the beginning stages of labor. They were in pain and they were in line and the way she treated them actually offended me. It was unjust. I thought about seeing a doctor yelling at a woman in America who was checking into the labor room. It just wouldn't happen. Ya, those waiting room nurses can get a little snappy- but pushing, shoving, screaming? It just wouldn't happen. 

In the moment I imagined myself marching up to her and pointing my finger in her face, raising my voice and saying,

"do you know you'd be out of a job in my country? If you spoke to your patients the way you're speaking to these women you'd lose your license. Nobody would take you in the hospital. You should be ashamed of yourself! These woman deserve respect!" 

and the crowd cheers.....

....and I quickly snap back to my reality... how could I not though with her high pitched screams ringing in my ears? I leaned over to my colleague and shared my frustration with her. I told her I would need to walk away for a sec or else I would probably say something I would later come to regret.  She leaned back over to me and grasciously told me that if I act the same way as her it wont solve anything. Almost before she could finish her sentence though I had devised a new plan in my head. I would kindly wander over to her and just say, "Doctor, you seem really stressed out this morning. What can I do to help you?"

-"ya," I thought, that will do. I'll come off gracious and kind but I'll still get my point across. I mean something must be said, right? She cant just get away with acting this way, right?! So I walked over to her and literally opened my mouth but the words wouldn't come out. Luckily she was too busy scribbling on someones paperwork to see I was hovering over her. I backed away. 

And then I was flooded by revelation. Where's my heart here? Is it wrong to act the way she is? Yes. Without a shadow of a doubt. Do I have a right to speak up and out for these women? Probably so. But what are my motives? I let her anger get passed onto me. At this point I'm not sure I even cared about the pregnant women anymore. I cared more that she knew what she did was wrong. I was coming from a place of irratation and frustration. Isn't that the same place she's coming from? How could someone who acts that angry not actually be that angry? 

Responding to her anger in anger no longer seemed like a solution. 

So a new question arises in my mind. How can I love her? How can I show her gentleness? How can I show her compassion? How can I find out whats really hurting her? Maybe, just maybe, if she is loved and cared about then she will be able to give love and care. 

Now, I can't wait to get back to the hospital. I want to get to know her. I want to love her.  I'll keep you posted.

God is teaching me to not just be a midwife, He's teaching me to be a woman who will stand with arms high and heart abandoned to His love. To look at His people with compassion. To love the unlovable.

I am learning so much in this hospital.

this picture has absolutely nothing to do with my post, but I get to hold these precious little ones everyday and I still can't get over it.